Christmas And All That Jazz..

Well, here we are smack dab in the middle of what some call the "most wonderful time of the year" and some call "hell." However you feel about it, it's here and there's nothing we can do other than plow ahead and try to cross off a seemingly endless "to do" lists. For most, at the top of that list is decorating your house. I'm sure some people enjoy the act but I for one just like the finished product. If I could go to sleep and wake up to have my home transformed into a winter wonderland I would. Instead I find myself dragging out box after box of decorations that seem to have reproduced since I last saw them. Since I am in such a hurry to take everything down after Christmas I am guilty of throwing everything frilly nilly in any kind of box that I am able to find and in no particular order. "Ornaments with the table runners?" "Sure!!" " 6 miles of Christmas lights with the Lenox Rudolph wrapped ever so gently in a Kleenex?" "Why not." And so it goes. Suffice it to say I am greeted every late November with some broken items and some that I don't discover until Easter because there happened to be room in "that box." Somehow it gets done and I am happy for it and I enjoy sitting back and looking at how I few lights here and there, a tree and a few Santas just make things seem cozy.

The other part of Christmas is baking. I know I have touched on this subject before but I feel it needs to be mentioned again. I have baked no fewer than 15 dozen cookies over the past 2 wks and I am ashamed to say that you would be hard pressed to find one in this house. I know some people start baking in November and go on about how they have so much to do and where will they find the time and they have only made 10 loaves of some kind of fruit bread and 80 doz cookies but they haven't even begun to make the candy....WHAT??!! Do the other people in their house not eat? Do they not eat? I no sooner get 1 doz out of the oven and onto the cooling racks that I turn around only to find that 8 are gone and someone is pouring a glass of milk to wash them down. Long story short, I will be baking 2 days before Christmas and what doesn't make it, doesn't make it. So please, if you happen to be coming to my house for the holiday (and if so, please call first) bring me some baked goods because I know as sure as I'm sitting here that I will be lucky to have 2 chocolate chip cookies and a half a bag of Oreos left.

Christmas Cards, Lotion and Decorations

So, I've decided this year not to send out Christmas cards. It was not a decision I made lightly seeing as I have sent out Christmas cards for the past 15 years or so. First, I can tell by the amount that I am receiving that I am not alone in this decision. Postage rates continue to rise and quite frankly I just don't have the energy to do it. Since I was unable to get any good shots of the kids in the past few months I would be required to beg and barter in order for all of the kids to be on the same place at the same time, dressed in something decent and looking like they want to do this (which is, of course, not true!) Then I would have to dig up addresses of everyone I have ever met in my entire life so that I can send them said picture. I love getting pictures of other families and save them year after year in a basket but this year, I am sorry to say, anyone who wants to see what my kids looks like is going to have to stop by and do so in person.

It is with great joy that I tell you my outside Christmas decorations are up! My wonderful husband (on the coldest day of the year I might add) put everything up on Sunday and if I do say so myself, it looks awesome. We have quite a few things in the yard but the most perplexing is the cow with a Santa hat on. I understand the penguins and seal since when we think of them we think of cold climates but the cow remains a mystery. I love him none the less and he is out there as I type this, spreading Christmas joy. What's even more of a mystery to me is the dolphin with the Santa hat but we don't have one of those. Honestly, how would the hat even stay on in the water?? The cow's hat won't go anywhere since they don't do much but dolphins are quite active and I don't think it's very realistic.

Winter is here and so is my dry skin. Good grief, I was besides myself with itching. Jim was nice enough to get some Eucerine "calming" cream. Now, I was skeptical at first since I didn't really feel as though my skin was "excited" and in need of "calming" not to mention I have bought literally $1000's of dollars worth of cream that promised "silky softness" and many other adjectives that never quite materialized but I must say, it seems to be doing the trick.

I have recently joined Facebook and have been able to catch up with so many classmates and friends from high school. We are getting ready for our 20th reunion and the funny thing is that everyone, for the most part, looks the same. I wonder if they think that about me? I always recognize people but for some reason seem to think that I look nothing like I did back then and so no one would know who I am. Luckily that has not been the case and I must say it's been loads of fun catching up.

Thanksgiving-The Sequel, Christmas and My Hair..

Well, the First Annual Thanksgiving-The Sequel went very well. Lots of fun, lots of food and lots of laughter. I made the stuffing the night before and everything else the next day although somehow Jim got credit for the turkey since he sliced it. Are you kidding me??? Everyone was like "Jim the turkey's great!" WHAT!!?? Anyway I set the record straight as to who did what (I did everything and he stopped to get sodas on the way home from hunting.) Of course we played Singstar and I don't want to brag but I have been contacted by a few major record labels. I haven't signed anything so I'm not at liberty to give any names but you get the picture. Phrases like "The next Mariah Carey," "Is there anyway we can break our contract with Celine?" were thrown around. I may have to turn them down because while I am a gifted singer I think I need to focus on my writing and there is only so much of me to go around. Speaking of that I seemed to have gained some weight so there is more of me to go around then previously but I am hoping this is just a temporary state of being.

Christmas is coming at us like a rocket. With the economy being what it is this Christmas will not be like Christmas' in the recent past. Gone are the days of "Laptops for all my friends!" now it's more like "I know you like this kind of gum so..Merry Christmas!" It is important that we remember what this time of year is all about and no, it's not about how much money you can spend, rather having friends and family around you and being grateful for another year together. Or, being grateful the year is over and this person or that need no longer be a part of your life. Either way, it's not about the gifts. Try to remember that when you are feeling stressed over not being able to buy your 2nd cousin once removed that cashmere sweater she has been hinting at for the past 3 months.

OK, another month and another haircut. I think I finally got it this time and I think that in a few weeks I will like it even more. Hair is always at it's best a few weeks after the initial cut. It's shorter and not to brag but I have been mistaken for Mariska Hargitay. NO, that last bit wasn't true but I am happy with it. I have realized that although I love long hair it is not for me. Shorter is better, that's my new motto.

My Novel, Thanksgiving, A Down Vest and Singstar

Well, I got the information from Kimmy (cousin and RN) regarding my main character's medical condition. The book is shaping up nicely but I think I will wait until after the New Year to begin. January is such a blah month and so I think it will be as good a time as any to start.

Since I am working on Thanksgiving Jim and the kids will go to Kimmy's. I will host what I am calling "Thanksgiving-The Sequel" the Saturday after. We will have friends and family here and will be set up with Rock Band, Guitar Hero and Sing Star. I, of course, will be singing. It's lots of fun since we have songs like "You Can't Touch This," "Baby Got Back," and "Ice, Ice Baby." I am looking forward to eating as much as I want and not feeling guilty since I can burn off so many calories singing and dancing. I have pretty sweet moves and while the kids laugh uncontrollably I think it is only to hide their jealousy as they, unfortunately, didn't seem to inherit that gene from me. My love of "Fame" has served me well and taught me much.

It has been quite cold here lately and since, when on 7-3, I have to walk about 5 blocks from the garage, I have been freezing. I hate coats. I know that some people love them and plan entire outfits around them, but I hate them. I can't drive in one because I feel so confined and constricted and so I decided I'm in the market for a down vest. It will keep the main part of my body warm while still allowing my arms to move freely. I also think I will be wearing lots of scarves this winter. Not the silk kind that I talked about when trying to hide my disfiguring scar but the winter kind. They come in all kinds of colors and in chenille which I love. That will be the new me, down vests and winter scarves. Everyone will see me coming and know instantly that it's me. Also, now that Tina got me my red purse, that part of my identity is about set. I will be switching into that one tomorrow.

I think tomorrow I will bake cookies. Not for the holidays but just for us. There is no point in fooling anyone by saying that I start my Christmas baking any earlier then December 20th. I don't know how some people do it. They start baking in November and I can't help but wonder "Who are these people and why can they bake so far in advance and not eat everything?" Chrsitmas will be here before we know it and then we will head into the bleakest month of the year, January. We will get through it though and I am looking forward to being warm in my new down vest!

Modeling, Jousting, Laundry And, Of Course, My Hair

While watching "A Knights Tale" last night I realized one of two things. First, it is a pretty good movie and second, I will never be able to joust. You see, not only has my recent surgery left me permanently scarred, I will be unable to participate in anything that would require my neck to snap back. Not a big deal you say? Well, let's think about it. I could have been the first female "actor" at "Medieval Knights" and during my time there been "spotted" by an agent and then become the most famous of all plus size models. As a result of my disfigurement and subsequent neck snapping restrictions that will never happen. You can see why this has had me preoccupied for most of the day.

Today Jim washed our bedding. I only mention it because he has reminded me of this completed chore no less than 10 times since I came home. "And I even did the duvet cover!" OK, I thank him for it but does he really think it is the first time any of this has been done? Generally when I do it I have to wrestle with him to get off the bed because he wraps himself in all of the covers to make an already pain in the ass job more difficult. I am thankful though so I shouldn't fuss.

The hair is done and all and all it is fine. As I predicted it did not turn out as I thought but that is my own delusional minds fault. Lesley said that when summer rolls around again I can go blonder. She said it is my hairs best interest to give it a break. I don't know why I should care about my hairs best interest because the Lord knows it doesn't care about mine!

The 3 H's: Hair, Holidays and Hunting...

Well, in less than 48 hours I will have my hair done and while I am trying not to get my hopes up that seems to be something I excel at. I am constantly being let down by my unreasonable expectations. Getting discovered at Universal Studios, having people clean my house (once a week doesn't cut it and if I have to do the "in between" stuff I might as well do it all the time), Rob Zombie's "Halloween" in 2007, you get the picture. Even my kids tell me to be more realistic. Anyway, as per usual I will go in to see Lesley (and this is not her fault) but I will come out not having the hair of my dreams. That's because, unlike in my mind, my hair is not as thick as I would like it to be, too sticky uppy in the wrong places and the list goes on. When I was young I was at an Orioles game and saw this woman whose hair I fell in love with. It was long and kind of wavy and her bangs feathered back (it was the 80's.) Anyway I went home and told my mother that's how I wanted my hair. She then reminded me that my hair was short, not curly and that lasty the lady probably had "different" hair than I (read: thicker, more luxurious and perfect.) Mom always told me that you have to get a cut that suits you and your hair type. Well, since mine is crap that doesn't leave me many options, does it? I will go into Lesley with a photo of Mariska Hargitay and after she stops laughing she will give me a cut that suits "me and my hair type." She will, at least, fix it up nice (in style that I am doomed to never be able to repeat) and for the rest of the day I will think that "This is the cut, I can do this," and then I'll wake up Friday morning and we will be back to square one. I can't stress enough that none of this has anything to do with Lesley's hairdressing expertise. She is wonderful to put up with me and even tells me I can't have my hair as blonde as I would like when it seems a bit damaged. If only she could find it in her heart to come to my house each day so that I'm presentable.

I went to do the weekly shopping today and was instantly reminded that the holidays are right around the corner. I was reminded because I practically fell into the baking supplies display as soon as I walked into the store. Apparently Thanksgiving and Christmas make people not only spend money they don't have but also give people an unstoppable urge to bake. I fell for it again and stocked up on baking supplies. I say again because even though I know I have about 4lbs of brown sugar the thought of running out is unthinkable. We may be out of toilet paper and the like but by God, we will not run out of brown sugar!

Jim is going hunting again in the morning and I sure hope he gets his deer. I call it "his" because he has been trying to get him for over a week now. He is bow hunting so has to be within a certain distance blah, blah, blah (I'm too busy thinking about my hair to pay attention) in order to shoot him and so they have been playing cat and mouse. If he doesn't get him I am afraid that, since the kids and I seem to know this deer, he will bring him home and we will have to keep him as a pet. Since we already have 1 dog, 5 cats, 2 rabbits, a guinea pig, a parrot, 2 bearded dragons, a few fish, a tortoise and too many snakes and geckos to count I fear there will be no money in the budget to feed him. Especially since the holidays are upon us and I must bake 24hrs a day.

Endless Weeks, Agents and Writer's Block

Is this week almost over? I feel as though it will never end. Some weeks are like that and it's a shame because the ones that make you feel that way are the one's that are nearly intolerable. When your having a good week (like vacation) time goes so quickly but when your crap it is as though the hands of time have stopped so that they can laugh at you and discuss you misery. "Look at her," they say to each other (because there are 3 of them hour, minute and second) "she feels terrible but has overtime to work this week and everyone is getting on her nerves. Slow down Second Hand I think she's getting a headache with 6hrs left to work." You can almost hear them laughing. To top it off the clocks at work are in military time and I'm always getting it confused and I end up thinking it's an hour later than it really is. It's enough to make you suicidal.

I have had a change of heart regarding my book. I have decided to take it in another direction but I'm not sure which direction. Writer's block and I'm barely out of the gate. It's been just that kind of week.

I am excited about the concept of having an agent. It's quite obvious that I will need one because once I get through this writer's block the words and ideas will flow freely and my book will not only be a best seller but I'm sure they will want to make it into a movie. You can see why an agent will be necessary. I will call my agent frequently and they will always put me right through to her. Yes, I think I will choose a woman because she will probably become a very close friend since we will have so many projects "in the works." She will probably be younger than me but a real go-getter. I will eventually be somewhat of a "big sister" to her and offer all kinds of advice. I will counsel her from the comfort of my bed (which is where I will do most of my writing.) She will have boyfriend problems at first but then she will find Mr. Right and get married. I will, of course, be asked to be the Maid of Honor but I will have to turn her down. "The Maid of Honor is a younger women's game." I will to tell her " Pick one of your younger friends and besides I have to meet with my Studio Rep that day about the movie so I will be unable to attend." She will understand and continue to look to me for guidance when she gets pregnant and especially after the baby is born. I will have to give great thought as to who I chose because, as you can see, she will become somewhat entangled in my life.

Amy Winehouse (again!), Books and The Car Radio..

Mallory pointed out that in the Us Weekly there was a photo of Cindy Crawford dressed as Amy Winehouse for Halloween. Now I don't feel so bad. It really turned into a win-win for me. For those that thought I was a Baltimore Hon, great. And for those who thought I was Amy Winehouse, they probably also thought I was very cutting edge to have the same idea as Cindy Crawford. I'm not one to brag but I suppose some have said that I even look like Cindy Crawford. Of course, some would have to be drunk to say that, but I'm sure it's been said all the same. What a refreshing thought because I am so tired of being confused with Sandra Bullock.

Great news, I have decided to write a book. I have the title (it's a secret) and I have the first line so far. I am just about finished with the outline and then it's off to the races with me! I will keep you posted as to my progress.

My hair is beyond help lately but I have an appointment next week. I have to think of what would be a good style for writing a book as I'm sure I won't have time to be fixing it all the time. I will be too busy "making the magic happen" (that is what I have decided to call my writing process.)

Is it just me or when you're driving and a terrible song comes on do you quick switch it in case you are in a fatal car accident and that would be the last thing you heard? I mean that is a horrible thought. Imagine, right upon impact you hear, I don't know, "You're The Inspiration" by Chicago and then for eternity that's what's going through your mind. Not a nice thought is it?

Halloween, Amy Winehouse And The Class Of '09

First thing's first. Halloween is officially over and I am glad for more than one reason. I no longer have to bear the shame of driving down my street to my undecorated house, the work party (which was in the middle of a very long work week) is over and my costume drama is behind me, well, almost. You'll remember that I told you that 3 of us from work were going as Baltimore Hons and so we did. I was quite pleased with my final "look" and while we all took different spins on the "hon" theme I think all in all we looked terrific. Tina went with the "house coat/knee high stocking" look, Hope went with the "crazy sunglasses/feather boa" look and, as you know, I went into my closet for the "leopard shirt/ black pants" look. In the picture Tina is on the left (those are not her real boobs :), in the middle is our Sheriff and I am on the right. Here is the problem. My friend Shannell was unable to attend the knees up and so I had Emily take some photos of me with the phone and I sent them to her. Her response? " Amy Winehouse?" What??!! Was she kidding me? I quickly sent back that I was in fact a Baltimore Hon and not Amy Winehouse. She (just as quickly) sent back "Where's your crack pipe Amy?" Good grief. Did other people think I was trying to be Amy Winehouse? If they did think that's who I was trying to be did they wonder why? Who in their right mind would try to be that poor, lost, crack addicted soul? Not to mention that during the party I was talking to one of the Police Captains trying to persuade him to find me a job in the PD because I need to be with the people and what an asset I would be to the department. He said he would look into it and call me in a couple weeks but was he just trying to fob me off because he thought I was some kind of nutter that worshiped a crack head?! Did he think that my need to "be with the people" was not so much a testimate to my caring personality but more of way for me to "get my next fix?"I have been burning with embarrassment, in absolute flames about it. Next year, whether he likes it or not, Jim and I are going as the spider and her web.

I'm putting all of it behind me as there is nothing to do now but damage control. I don't think I will be able to hear the song"Rehab" without turning red for a long time.

Senior year is upon us with Daniel and can I just tell you something? If you have a child in the lower grades now is the time to start saving for this expensive undertaking. Do they make it this way so that you are used to shelling out disgusting amounts of money and won't be so shocked when college starts? Announcements, gowns, thank you notes and the like are threatening to bankrupt us. The cherry on the sundae has got to be the bank breaking "senior pictures." Now, I have 3 children and have been purchasing school photos for 14 years now and generally that means a check for $25 and family and friends are treated to a photo of my gorgeous offspring. Not senior pictures. I think "senior" means "ridiculously expensive" in some other language. Mallory's senior pictures set us back approx. $500 and I am sure I can expect the same from Daniel's. I'm not sure if I'm buying photos or setting up a portfolio for an aspiring model. Well times are tough mes amies, and I may have to look at alternate ways to fund this Class of '09 undertaking. Perhaps as an Amy Winehouse impersonator?

Free Tanning, Free Haircuts and Wal-Mart..

Mallory recently got a new job working at the salon where we all get our hair done. Now aside from her pay she gets free unlimited tanning, free hair cuts and only has to pay something like $10 for color. HELLO? Where do I sign up? Now in the first place, Mallory doesn't tan. Not in a bed, not outside, not in a train, not in a plane. She has beautiful porcelain skin. Me, on the other hand, when not tan look like death. There's really no nice way to put it. Prior to my disfigurement I lived in tanning beds unless it was summer and then I would be out in the sun. Skin cancer be damned. Something's going to kill me and when I die I would like to be as tan as possible Actually, Mallory has instructions to wheel me into a spray tan upon my demise. Point is this perk is totally wasted on her. As for the cuts and color, she recently got highlights and looks great so at least that part is not going to waste. Color me green, my friends, which is, of course, better then deathly pale.

As for Wal-Mart. I watched a documentary last night on this retail giant and let me tell you I am besides myself. The way they treat their "associates" is a crime. They have actually lost some class action lawsuits brought upon by former employees to the tune of $150 million. We don't have a Wal-Mart in my county and I can actually say that I have not been in one for probably 8 years but if the occasion should arise I am here to tell you that I would NEVER step inside one again. Those "low prices" are at the expense of their employees. And really, how low are their prices? Are they lower than K-Mart or drugstore chains? I honestly don't know but I know that if you pay attention to sales at other stores I'm sure you can come very close to matching their price. If you have time I would recomend that you either watch the documentary or maybe do a Google search for more information and make your own decison. It's amazing that in the year 2008 we still have these companies who disregard basic employee rights. Let me just tell you that this company has been sited for not paying overtime, having people work off of the clock, directing new hires to social services programs because they don't pay a living wage and many more infractions. Aside from taking away the pride people feel in working and being able to support their family, Wal-Mart is advising employees to sign up for the dole. As a result, Wal-Mart employees have cost the Untited States over $1.5 billion in federal and state subsidised programs. Incredible when you consider that last year they had sales in excess of $240 BILLION!!! I am in no way blaming Wal-Mart employees, to the contrary, I think we should hold a company accountable when they are not only the cause of a financial drain on our society, in most cases they receive tax incentives and other "favors" to build their stores. When you are armed with all of this information that $2 shirt doesn't seem so cheap does it?

Murder, A Clean House and Cookies..

What a productive day it has been! I cleaned the house, watched Halloween (again) and Halloween 4, did laundry AND baked oodles of cookies. My house is now in the perfect state for my murder. As you know I am apt to think like this but really if it must happen, let it be at a time when everything is in it's place and there are fresh cookies to boot. I imagine the officers here remarking on my clean house and how delicious the cookies are as they comb for clues. "What kind of monster would do this?" they will say. "She obviously kept a clean house and these cookies are to die for, ha ha ha. " They will joke like that since it is the only way they can keep their sanity. They will leave with the promise to bring justice to my loved ones. After they're home they might talk about it to their wives and after hearing about how clean my house was and that I made cookies they will resolve to be a better wife. "If she could do it, so will I" they will vow. My death will bring many people closer together. It's the least I can do.

At my funeral, which will have police escorts (I already asked, OK begged, and the Sheriff's Office said I could) people will talk about the senseless of it all. I hope the turnout is a good one. There is nothing sadder than a funeral with a poor turnout. I like to think that I will be looking down at all assembled. I'll wonder who that one is or why that one's there. And I'll wish I'd been nicer to some that took the time to come out in this weather (it will be raining, of course) I'm sure some will not be in attendance but I will not be mad at them because they will regret it for the rest of their days and so there's really no point. In the end everyone will get their "give-aways" (aka t-shirts) and will feel that while it will be hard to go on without me, they must, because that's how I would have wanted it.

I think that we should be as nice as we can to people we encounter for two reasons. First, they may know someone who could make you famous and second, you want your funeral list to be as long as you can get it. I'm starting with that thought in mind tomorrow. Sometimes it will be hard but I will keep on keeping on and if they are just too much I will be nasty because after all, who wants someone like that at their funeral?

Saturdays, Scary Movies and The Brady Bunch..

I love, love, love Saturday mornings when I don't have to work. I get up and watch 2 episodes of Eastenders, drink my Slim-Fast and start my day in a relaxing way. For those that don't know, Eastenders is a British soap opera that comes on PBS in Maryland on Saturday mornings from 9-10. Right now they are still running 2002 episodes since they get it over there every day and we only get it once a week. I looked and looked to buy it on DVD but it is not available. At first I was surprised but when I realized you can't buy any of our American soap operas on DVD I didn't feel so bad. Anyway, I watch the show then I slowing start picking up around here but I'm never in a hurry and it makes for a nice day.

I've been drinking Slim-Fast for quite a few years now and I guess it's not working because I'm not working it. Kind of like Alcoholic Anonymous- "It works if you work it." You see, I drink it in the mornings and then I live my life. I eat what I want, as often as I want and so I guess that's why I haven't been able to watch the pounds drop away. It's hard to know nowadays what you should or shouldn't eat. It was easier back when we just worried about calories. Then it used to be fat but now it's trans-fats or saturated fats. Bread and rice used to be good but now it's bad unless it's brown. We're not supposed to eat anything white. Maybe I will go on the brown diet. I will eat only brown foods brown rice, brown bread, peanut butter, chocolate, Slim-Fast and the like.

I watched "Halloween" last night. That is my favorite scary movie of all time and I was so glad to see it on TV. It doesn't seem like Halloween without watching it at least once. A few years ago Rob Zombie did a remake. I was so excited and Jim took me to see it. The problem is that I get my hopes up about things and I am inevitably let down. I was so disappointed in the movie. Jim wasn't and he said it was because I have unrealistic expectations. Maybe I do.

I am besides myself my friends, absolutely besides myself over Maureen McCormick's (aka Marcia Brady) new book. I refuse to read it as it seems like a nasty tell-all about one of my favorite shows. Who didn't love The Brady Bunch? They were the perfect family and I am not at all interested it horrible Maureen McCormick talking about sleeping with "Greg Brady." For a long time she didn't even want anything to do with the show or it's cast but now we are supposed to pay our hard to come by money on a gossipy book that I'm sure is quite exaggerated. No thank you Marcia, I will pass.

On to other things. The Halloween costume is shaping up nicely, my hair is actually doing well and it saddens me to report that my big, red purse still eludes me.

I Started Young..

I was going through some things today and I found a book that was a 5th grade assignment. Mrs. Brown (my teacher) had us write a story and then had it bound for us. As a read through my book it is evident to me (as I'm sure it will be to you) that my "gift" goes back to at least the 5th grade. I must tell you before I proceed that it clearly states in the front cover that "this book cannot be written over without aurtors permission, copywrite date 1982" (all misspellings were left in place so you could get the full effect) so please don't try to reproduce what I'm sure, will one day become a classic. I should also tell you that starting at around the 4th grade I became very fond of poetry, especially "couplets." And now I give you:

WHAT IS PURPLE?

BY

DAWN GOSNELL (maiden name)

PURPLE IS THE PAINT TO PUT ON A WALL

PURPLE IS THE BRUISE THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FALL

PURPLE IS THE JAM TO PUT ON MY BREAD

PURPLE IS THE HAT TO PUT ON MY HEAD

PURPLE IS THE CRAB THAT SOMETIMES PINCHES ME

PURPLE IS THE GLASSES THAT CAN HELP YOU SEE

PURPLE IS THE BARRETTE WE PUT IN OUR HAIR

PURPLE IS THE VISOR TO KNOCK OFF THE GLARE

I know my friends, I know, pure genius. In the "About the Author" I go on the say that I enjoy reading, bike riding, fishing and camping. Partly true. The fishing and camping part, not so much. As with many things (drinking coffee, eating oatmeal on a cold morning, etc.) I like the idea of fishing and camping just not the act itself. Although I do have a funny fishing story that involves me and Jim on a falling apart boat in the Dominican Republic because I had wanted to catch a Marlin. Anyway, I guess I was trying to make myself sound well rounded. After writing this the question remains. Why didn't my mother enroll me in the School for the Arts?? The world may never know.

I have attached the photo from the back of my book. I'm not sure if it is clear enough but I was very stylish. I had a turtle neck (preview of things to come?) with stars all over it as well as ribbon barrettes in my hair. Those who grew up in the 80's remember those barrettes, I'm sure.

People's Court, Cell Phones and Dog Bites..

I just got finished watching People's Court. I LOVE that show and I love Judge Milian. I love it so much that I have toyed with idea of putting someone with bad credit on my cell phone bill so that I could sue them on National TV. Maybe I could entice my dog to bite someone and then refuse to pay any damages so that I could be the Defendant. In either case I can only hope that my opponent has very poor grammar and if she's a woman she has stuffed herself in something not only inappropriate (it is a court of law) but also two or three sizes too small. If it's a man chances are there will be some unidentifiable stain on his tie. I will say that I felt bad for the Defendant's inability to obtain said cell phone and Judge Milian will show me the errors of my ways by telling me some Cuban saying that her grandmother used to say and it will be in Spanish! If my worthy opponent has been the victim of my vicious dog I will explain that my dog was provoked and I think the Plaintiff has made up the entire scenario. I will, of course, be responsible for any and all hospital bills and possibly a small sum for pain and suffering but as for his "lost wages?" I don't think so buddy. You don't bring the proof, you can't be reimbursed.

Locks, Keys and Ice Cream..

I had to stop at the supermarket after work tonite to get milk and since I never get just milk I also got two half gallons of ice cream and some TGIF frozen crap (artichoke dip, potato skins, etc.), Yes, we do eat healthy, I know. Anyway I came home only to find that my wonderful husband was apparently in such a hurry to go to work early that I was locked out. I should preface all of this by saying that I forgot to charge my phone so my battery was very low and seemed to be using what energy it had left to beep every few seconds or so to let me know it was dying. Anyway, once I realized my situation I had to put down 2 gallons of milk and my other bags to knock on my own door. Buddy was doing his job by barking loudly and sounding ferocious but his barks went unheard to the kids who, for once, decided to go to bed at a reasonable time. Now, we pay each month for our kids to have phones but don't think for a second that they wait for us to need to urgently reach them. That is reserved for their friends in crisis. I called Mallory and got to hear "The Joker" by Steve Miller a few times before I realized that as much as I like that song my battery was dying and she was obviously asleep. Next up, Daniel, who provides his callers with some unnamed rap song, he too was asleep. Now, earlier Em had told me she wasn't feeling well so I hated to call her but in the end she was my savior. No music just a ring then a sweet "Hi Mama" and I was in. And for that, if she still doesn't feel well in the morning, she can stay home and eat ice cream, drink milk and eat various TGIF selections.

PS- I texted Jim to let him know that he locked me out. His response? "Where are your keys?" Well, wherever they are they aren't with me so I don't see why that is pertinent. Do you?

Baltimore Hons, My Wonderful Husband and John Waters..

OK, change of plans for Halloween. Instead of doing the Wilma Flintstone/Betty Rubble thing Tina, Hope (our supervisor) and I are going to be "Baltimore Hons." If you're not from the area a "hon" is a true Baltimore woman. They have bee-hive hair-dos, wear blue eyeshadow, spandex and hopefully (and of course in my case) anything leopard. Sometimes they could wear a house coat or robe and fuzzy slippers. Some are also fond of feather boas. I will be posting pictures after the party so you can see. I'm not sure if you can appreciate it if you're not from Baltimore. They have "hon" contests and it's kind of a big deal in town. Anyway I'm excited, although twice this Halloween season I have been told that I can just go to my closet instead of buying a costume. Once when Jim told me that if I were a whore and now when Tina approached me with the idea. Hmmmm, are people trying to tell me something? Whatever, I have a tight low cut leopard shirt that will fit the bill perfectly.

Things at work are going well. I haven't missed a beat even though I was out for what seemed like forever. The disfiguring scar is still disfiguring and I guess any hope of gracing the cover of anything other than "Scar Weekly" or "Oh My God What Happened" is now out of the question. C'est la vive. Yes, I am a speaker of many languages, it is a gift, I know.

As for my wonderful husband. He sent me a text this evening at work that said "I think you dress nice xo" Wasn't that the most wonderful? I'm glad he notices (and doesn't fuss about what things cost) I feel very lucky.

I still haven't been discovered but you will be the first to know when (notice I say when and not if) it happens. Believe me when I tell you mes amies (more French for you) that it is not for lack of trying. I used to work in a bakery in Baltimore and the wonderful and famous film maker John Waters used to come in. Every time he did I would sing while I got his baked goods and ask didn't he have a role for a singing bakery clerk. He never answered, just smiled. Maybe if I would have danced it would have sealed the deal. I guess we will never know. If only my mother would have allowed me to go to the School for the Performing Arts. I always pictured myself fitting in nicely with the cast of "Fame" but again, it was not to be. Full steam ahead and soon you will be reading about me and people will be saying things like "Look how great her hair looks" (because I will have a hair dresser living with me), and "There she is with her signature red purse" (no, I still haven't found one, the search continues.) And you will say "I knew her when."

Ways to Make Your Day a Bit More Fun

I know this is lazy of me but I'm tired to write original so I thought I would pass this along. I received it in an email ages ago but still laugh when I read it and I hope you will too.


1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
7. Practice making fax and modem noises.
8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
10. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
12. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
13. Honk and wave to strangers.
14. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
15. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
16. type only in lowercase.
17. dont use any punctuation either
18. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times."DO YOU HEAR THAT?""What?""Never mind, it's gone now."
19. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
20. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
21. Ask people what gender they are.
22. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
23. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
24. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
25. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook while muttering something about "psychological profiles."

Sunday Mornings, A 5K and Decorations..

So, after working 16 hrs yesterday I get a call this morning at 5:44am from my mother. You see, my mom, Mallory and Emily did the 5K for breast cancer today and although Emily spent the night there last night, Mallory was supposed to be there at 5:30. The call went like this- me, half asleep "Hello"; mom "Dawn?"; me "Yea", mom "Did I wake you up? I thought you had to work."; me "Yea, no, I'm off."; mom "YOU'RE OFF?!" (read: If you're off why aren't you participating?); me "No, I mean I go in at 3"; mom "Is Mallory still there?"; me, climbing upstairs and down a long hallway with my eyes half open to check her room; mom "Is her car there?"; me "I don't know but she's not in her room."; mom "Why did you go up there? It would have been easier to just look out the window for her car."; me "I guess I would have thought about that if I had been awake." Don't worry my friends, Mallory had already left and they completed the race (although it was very cold) and thankfully, I was able to go back to sleep. As for my mother, I will deal with her later, just as soon as I think of a way to get her back.

On a post-surgical note, I went to get a wreath out of a closet that was on a box that was on a shelf. Now, it wasn't heavy and not all that high up. All I had to do was reach up on my tippy toes, grab the hanger with my finger and voila!, a "Share the Harvest" wreath. Not exactly. When I reached up my neck screamed and so did I. I did manage to get the wreath but I will now refer to it as the "Share the Pain" wreath. When I told Jim (since I have been paying for it for the last couple of days) he told me that since I live in the "Land of Giants" I should have had someone else get it. You see, I am the shortest person in the house by at least 2 inches and in some cases 12 inches. OK, trouble with that is no one was around. While we are on this subject can I just tell you that not one person in this house has stepped up to decorate the yard for Halloween?! Due to my disfigurement and it's accompanying pain and restrictions I was not able to put out all the yard stuff (or the house stuff for that matter) and wouldn't you think someone would step up and do it? I thought that too. We were both wrong.

ER, Molly Ringwald and Longing for the 80's

It is difficult for me to write this as tonite was the last episode for Abby Lockhart on ER. As a result of this tear jerker my eyes are swollen and my head is killing me. I have been watching ER for the last 14 years and can not put into words the sadness I feel about it coming to an end. I'm not sure why it is ending because I don't feel they have run out of story lines. I guess I just wish they would have consulted me but they rarely do. Had I been consulted I would have recommended they keep ER and get rid of The Simpsons (different networks I know but you get my point) I mean honestly, how long is that show going to go on. It seems as though there is not an end in sight.If people would just listen to me more they would see that I have all of the answers. Anyway, aside from the season or so when it seemed like half of them went to Africa I have not been disappointed by the show. Tonite's episode just made me realize how incredibly sad I will be when the show is finally over. It is too depressing for me to think about.

Earlier this evening I begged Emily to watch "Pretty in Pink" with me (she only agreed to watch it because Molly Ringwald is the mother on "The Secret Life of the American Teenager.") I love Molly Ringwald and I love all of those movies. It sure brings back memories of being much younger. My dear friend Theresa recently sent me a key chain that has all of these recordings from "Sixteen Candles" Farmer Ted. Times were simpler then and I hope that when my children look back at their childhood their memories are as fun as mine are from the 80's. My cousin Kimmy just sent me an email about some of the crazy things we did when we were young (we went to school together and she became my cousin when I married her cousin Jim) and you know, sometimes it feels like just yesterday that we were kids. Why is it in movies the high school seniors always seem much older than actual high school seniors? I guess it's because most of them were 25 years old and just playing younger roles. It's difficult for me to watch "Secret Life of the American Teenager" because it's hard for me to think of Molly Ringwald as a mom. I guess that while the rest of us grew up I expected her to stay young. Watching the movie tonite with such a young James Spader (who I think resembles my Jim when we were kids) was so much fun. I think Emily liked it. Those kind of movies are timeless (aside from wardrobe and hair) for young people. Kids will always have the "us vs them" problems in school and hopefully when it's over you get to kiss the boy you liked.

Sorry for this somewhat downer of a post.

My Black Flats, Morning Darkness and More...

I'm sorry it has been a few days since my last post. This getting used to being back at work has been quite an adjustment. I just don't think it's normal under any one's definition to have to be to work in the morning when it is still dark. I will need a few more weeks to get back in my groove.

It is with much sadness that I must report that my new black flats were extremely uncomfortable. I'm talking swollen feet 24hrs after I had taken them off!! Anyway, they did look nice so that is some consolation but I'm afraid it will be awhile until I get up the nerve to wear them again. Shoes are tricky that way. They feel great in the store but after a few hours their true colors emerge. To add insult to injury the day I wore the flats I also wore a silk skirt. I was in a hurry and quick put some lotion on. Long story short, lotion on the skirt (no time to change) and so all day I'm holding my purse so that you can't see it. I'm just glad that day is over and I'm ready to move on.

As for Halloween, Jim is no longer a concern for my costume choice. That decision was made after he shot down every last one of my ideas until I said "Pimp" to which he replied "OK, and you can be my whore and you can just wear something out of your closet" !!!! I know, I couldn't believe it either. Tina from work and I are going to go as Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble. Since Tina has red hair, she will be Wilma. I will get the costume one day this week and let you know how it looks.

I went to the grocery store yesterday and bought all kinds of good stuff. I went through my recipe books, wrote a list and everything. Trouble is, everything I bought requires some effort on my part to prepare. I'm lazy in the kitchen. I don't know why everyone can't be happy with spaghetti every night or better yet, make your own. I like the idea of cooking it's the actual cooking that I can't get into. Sometimes colder weather makes me feel more like cooking so we'll see how this winter goes. I wish I was one of those people who have carts full of fresh produce and the kind of rice that takes more then 10 min. to cook. Instead, I'm the one whose cart is usually full of frozen pizza, ice cream and the like. I generally buy a bag of potatoes and a bunch of bananas just to keep up appearances only to throw them away a week or so later. Maybe in my next life I will be a healthy eater/cooker.

Goodbye Short Sleeves..

I forgot to explain my urgent need for cooler weather. During my convalescence for the past 6+ weeks I have been unable to sit in the sun or go tanning and so consequently I have turned an umbecoming shade that can only be described as "cadaverous pale." Really, it's quite shocking. And due to my disfiguring scar it is not suggested that I see the inside of a tanning bed anytime soon. Point is, I will not be seen in a short sleeved anything for awhile. I know what your saying "How about self-tanners?" Well to that I have only one word, orange.

My First Day Back to Work, Solid Foods and Fall...

First day back went great. I didn't forget how to do my job and, surprisingly, I didn't forget my sign-on passwords. Yay me! OK, for the important stuff. I wore a pair of jeans and a black top w/ a grey design and black and grey trainers. Kind of boring I know but it's Sunday so it's more casual. Tomorrow being a holiday means it's going to be casual again so now I have to decide what to wear (my previous "Monday" outfit was more dressy-uppy.) Please just get me to Tuesday because I have had that planned for awhile. Anyway, glad to be back among the working and the day went really fast.

As for the all liquid diet. Well, I fell off that wagon yesterday, and hard. I had forgotten I bought some TGIF artichoke and spinach dip and we had Tostitos so that went out the window at about 2:30. I'm not going to beat myself up though because, if you remember, I didn't really eat myself to sickness it was the kidney stone.

It is mid-October and I would like to know why things aren't more "Fall-like." It should be chilly and instead it's kind of warm. And by "kind of warm" I mean that I can't wear any of my new cardigans. I think that's gonna be my thing this year. I'll call it "The Year of the Cardigan" although when I get my red purse I may change it to "The Year of the Red Purse" And by "cardigan" I don't mean "Blah, blah cardigan" I mean unique and fun cardigans and also wraps. OK, we should just call it "The Year of the Cardigan, Wrap, and Red Purse" because I will get a red purse (even though someone copied me and got one, you know who you are initials R.E.T.) and I don't want to leave the wraps out.

Keep your fingers crossed that cooler weather gets here (and fast!)

Tomorrow is the First Day of the Rest of My Life...

I am happy to report that my new liquid diet is going well. Already after 11 and no solid foods. Yay for me! As a side note regarding my stomach aches it turns out that it wasn't a result of my overeating it was a kidney stone. Yes my friends, a kidney stone. I passed it last night so that explains the on again off again pain as of late. "A kidney stone?" you say. It is true and they are my cross to bear. This one obviously wasn't bad and passed on it's own. Anyway, I wasn't eating myself to sickness (although not for lack of trying) I was having a medical issue. Some of you may think that entitles me to eat solid food but I have made up my mind and so it's going to be all liquids, all the time.

It is off to work with me tomorrow and I must tell you that I'm besides myself as to what to wear. Strangely enough, I know what I'm going to wear Mon and Tues but tomorrow? Not a clue. It's like the first day of school, remember? You went shopping for your "First Day of School Outfit", which inevitably was some sort of sweater/corduroy combo, and since (around here) it is still rather warm on the first day of school, you were way overdressed. That didn't matter though because that outfit had been staring at you since it's purchase 2 weeks ago and just begging to be worn. Not to mention you had lovingly laid it out the night before (along with shoes and accessories) and when you tried it on you felt you looked just like the girl on the cover of the Seventeen magazine "Back To School" issue with articles like, "Plaid is Back," "Turning Fine Hair Into Fine and Dandy Hair" and "Say Goodbye to Dry: Winter Skin Care Tips." The fact that you were extremely hot and uncomfortable all day was a small price to pay for looking as good as you thought you did. With being out of work so long you can see why this has me in flitters. Don't worry, mes amies, I will find something suitable and I promise it won't be anything corduroy. As for my hair....

Donuts, Pudding, Slim Fast and a Stomach Ache..

So tomorrow I have decided to go on an all liquid diet. Since I have been home from work (after my horrible disfigurement) I have had the opportunity to go to the grocery store on a daily basis. "Are we out of ice cream?" Run to the store. "Is that candy dish empty?" Run to the store. Pudding? Donuts? Run to the store. After all of that running (and by running I mean getting in the car and finding the closest parking spot) It should come as no surprise that for the past week or so I have had a constant stomach ache. Last night I felt pretty sick but I was trying to figure out if there was anyway I could squeeze in one more donut (they do taste kind of yucky the next day and I hate to waste) . I didn't but it was only because when I went to get one I felt like I would throw up.

Tomorrow, my friends, is a new day. A new liquid only day. Plus, since I go back to work Sunday I will get back into walking (sans home detention anklets) and I really should slim down. I mean, I could get discovered at any moment and I would hate to pass someone on the street who has the ability to grant me the fame and fortune which up until this point has eluded me and have them think "Hmmm, if she were just 20lbs (OK 40, are you happy) slimmer she would be perfect in my upcoming hit comedy sitcom/dance show/modeling contract/ etc."

Yup, tomorrow. But right now, maybe just one pudding...

The Doctor, Pat Sajak and Wheel of Fortune....

Well my friends, it's offical. I will be returning to work on Sunday. And just as I thought I would, I have mixed feelings. Staying home was hard at first but you do get used to it. I am looking forward to being back on a schedule and seeing some of my coworkers. Anyway, like it or not I have been released by the doctor.

My appointment was today and I must tell you that the Dr's office is in a building that was built with funds donated by the ever popular gameshow host Pat Sajak. Yes, the Pat Sajak of Wheel of Fortune fame. He has a house in the area and is apparently preoccupied by the health of the citizens of Annapolis. Good for him. It seems to be full of good doctors and the like, plus it has the added benefit of an attached garage which, and this is important, is free.

So, after waiting for what seemed like hours I was able to go back and see my doctor (for like, 10 min) My friends, my neck is doing a bang up job of healing, even better then expected (or so he said) I was then told I would not need to come back for 2 months. What, no mention of pain medication?! OK, so I brought it up. His reply you ask? "And what would you be needing that for?" Was he joking? He just cut my throat, reached in and pushed everything to the side then proceeded to put a donor (read: dead person's) bone in my neck and screwed the whole kit and kaboodle together with a metal bracket and he's questioning my request for pain meds? I guess at the Pat Sajak Pavillion the proper way to ask for pain medication is to ask if you can buy a vowel. So I said "I'd like to buy a vowel" and he said "Oh, you need medication? Why didn't you say so?" Here's to you Pat Sajak, the injured and sick citizens of Annnapolis (and surrounding areas) thank you.

Next week I have an appointment at the Vanna White Dental Studio followed by physical therapy at Alex Trebek's House of Pain.

A Spider, a Web and a Hot Dog....

I have just found out that we are having a Halloween party for work. Now, I haven't actually been told that you need a costume but it's a safe bet. Here's the thing, years ago I was trying to get my Saner Half to dress up with me in some sort of combo costume. At the time I was quite a bit heavier but had all the faith in the world in my partner's strength. I offered the following ideas. I thought he could be a mattress and I could be the person going to bed (very little would be needed from me since I would live in comfy clothes if I could), or how about I could be a hot dog roll and he could be a hot dog and I would keep having to jump on him so everyone could get the full effect. These ideas were met with blank stares and so I pulled out the one I had secretly wanted just knowing he would praise me for my ingenuity. So as not to tip him off to how strong my desire was to dress in the costume I was about to suggest I very casually said " OK, fine, I will put a bean bag chair on my butt and make some kind of arm thingys and wear a black leotard and tights. You can wear white sweatpants and a white t-shirt. We can have ropes going from your head to your arms and from your arms to your legs. The we can put velcro on your back and on my stomach (his eyes began to widen in fear) When people ask what we are we'll say "A spider on a web" and I will jump on your back. To which he replied, "And I will fall to the floor." Yes my friends, that is what he said only to follow it with, "How about we try to think of things to be that don't require you jumping on me, okay hon?" Well no, it was not okay and we haven't really dressed up since. Sure there's been the occasional mask or cape but nothing with real feeling.

You know what I think I will suggest this year? He can be the dad at the parade and I can be the daughter sitting on his shoulders with a drippy ice cream cone!

Who am I kidding, since I have this newly built-in, no make up required scar I can be Frankenstein with very little effort. Then again, he could be the mad scientist that created me and have to occasionally carry me around.

Counting sheep? Um, not exactly...

When I find myself unable to sleep (which is frequently) I have started to do a little something that may help you as well. Instead of sheep, I count the people that I think will come to my funeral. I know it sounds crazy but hear me out. Counting sheep is boring and you can count quite high before you feel a bit sleepy. Counting funeral goers however, requires more thought, aka work, and last time I checked work is what makes you tired.

There are a few variables that come into play before your counting can begin. Was your death untimely? Was it sudden or had you been sick for awhile? Was it violent? (important because that will decide whether law enforcement will be there in order to find a possible suspect) Did it happen now or when you are much older? You get where I'm going with this. Now, once you have chosen your death scenario (and I really can't emphasise the importance of this, if done incorrectly you will not get an accurate count) you can start counting. Hopefully you have a big family. Big or small, families don't take long to get through. Move next to friends (don't forget their spouses and possibly their children as well.) I then will go to coworkers (past and present) and neighbors (again past and present.) It is at this point that the true work begins. Now, if you have children you can count on their friends, possibly parent's of said friends and I'm sure the occasional favorite teacher. It is not unreasonable to expect the neighbors of your parents or siblings that you have run into at the occasional cook-out. Depending on the ages of your children you can include your children's coworkers (dorm mates, room mates, etc)

Please keep in mind that the younger you are, the higher the head count. You might also think about some sort of give-away. For instance, at my funeral there will be t-shirts for all in attendance. My children have decided to cover the shirts with all of the stupid things I am constantly saying. I decided to do something different than the common face shot with my date of death underneath.

I hope this helps the next time you are just watching the clock.

Bob Marley, Def Leppard and Still Counting...

It seems that just about everyday when I am in the car with one or more of the kids I am reminded that I am not as cool as I perceive myself. I know what you must be thinking "How can that be? You, lover of leopard prints and fan of exercise. I mean isn't that the definition of cool?" Unfortunately, my friends, it is not. The definition of cool (although not yet recognized by Webster's) is this: the ability to immediately know ALL the lyrics to any and all music deemed popular. And while I know some,there are many more that I mumble through and, yes, even make up. Sometimes however, I am unaware that I am saying the wrong lyrics (and by saying I mean singing at the top of my lungs anytime, anywhere- kareoke, the car, the shower, etc.) Let me tell you a few:
- Most recently I was in the car singing a popular Bob Marley song, and before I begin let me just say that I never knew what the title was (obviously) so please forgive my faux pas. The title of the song, as told to me by my car, is "No woman, no cry" I however have been (for quite awhile) singing- "No woman, no pride" Yes, I know that it doesn't make sense but who am I to judge? And, as you will see, making sense is not usually something I worry much about.
- One of my favorite songs is B-52's "Love Shack" It's fun and dancey and demands to be sung as loud as possible. My favorite part is where the female singer says " Tin roof...Busted" For those of you that don't know,there is no music during this and it is quite a high part of the song so imagine my surprise to know that I was singing (shouting) it wrong. I had been saying- "Hennn-ry, Busted" Makes absolutely no sense but if you try it the next time you will see that it does sort of sound like it ( doesn't it?)
- My favorite is the ever popular "Pour some sugar on me" by Def Leppard. Now, as some of you will remember there was a terrible scare many years back that invovled the sugar substitute saccarine. It was all over the news and apparently had a large impact on me because the song lyric that states "Sweet to taste, sample me" somehow made it to my brian and out of my mouth with "Sweet to taste, saccarine free" It seems foolish now but made perfect sense for the many years that I have been singing it.

I know I am not alone so if any of you have your own wrong lyric stories to share I would love to hear them. We must unite and above all, never stop singing, wrong lyrics or not, it's fun and makes us smile.

Phelps Phever and other exercise programs that haven't quite worked out..

Jim covered the pool today and while I know I will appreciate the electric bill savings, I must admit I am rather sad. You see, in August I came down with Phelps Phever. In case you were in a coma during the Olympics you know that Michael Phelps is the record shattering swimming phenom who, very proudly I might add, hails from my state. After watching him swim night after night got me thinking " I have a pool, what is stopping me from using it as something other than the thing I sit comfortably next to in a chair, in the sun, reading a book. Could it be that if , I don't know, I moved around a bit in it I could possibly lose a couple pounds or maybe even compete?" You see my friends, that is how my mind works- Go big or go home; In for a penny, in for a pound; If you can't run with the big dogs..well, you see where I'm going with this. I am what some people would (and, if we're being honest, do) call "over the top." In my mind I am capable of mastering anything and in my quest for weight loss and fitness I leave no stone unturned. Consider the following:

-Hairdresser (Lesley) is extremely fit. One day she casually mentions that she roller blades. Fast forward to later that evening and I am the proud owner of a pair of $120 skates, knee and elbow pads (my Saner Half tried to push for a helmet but I held my ground.) 2 days later I am sprawled on the Cross Island Trail with split pants and youngest daughter Emily doubled over in hysterics.
- While in Barnes and Noble I happened to see a book on belly dancing in the clearance section. Minutes later I am on my way home with my "How could I not buy it, it's so cheap and it says I will build all kinds of muscle" book and got online to order everything I would need- Sexy Goodess camisole, belly dancing skirt (you need to hear the ching, ching of the metal fringe or you can't do it right) and a CD full of Indian like music so that I can "Dance my way to a fitter me" It didn't take me long to figure out it is very hard to practice a move while holding the book. When I casually mentioned to Saner Half that the DVD would be more helpful I was told that $150 was quite enough spent and to move on. And so..
- Ankle and wrist weights to help make my walks count. When they arrived in the mail they looked like home detention devices and I refused to wear them. I think they are now used to help hold down the pool cover.

The list goes on Hula Hoops, running and when I toyed with the idea of bike riding, because I saw the most adorable $600 purple bike, I was told by Saner Half that I am perfect just as I am. And you know what, he's right. But the other night I saw an advertisement for this new hot tub/exercise equipment combo.........

Congratulations Michael! As for me, there's always next summer.

Late night plans for the following day, reptile shows and traffic..

I sit here this morning wishing I were still asleep. Alas, that is not the case and now let me tell you why. My daughter Mallory called this morning at the ungodly hour of 8:30 because while en route to a reptile show ( my Saner Half is a snake breeder) she encountered the all to familiar problem of 95 being shut down due to a hazmat spill and needed me to watch the news and hope for a traffic update and/or get online to find an alternate route. FYI, it seems as though morning news shows are only interested in reporting traffic issues M-F. Since a detour was required and she is not very familiar with the area I decided to stay awake in case I was needed. My instincts were correct as no fewer than 6 calls from lost daughter were received. You will be happy to know that she did arrive and I'm sure is now happily set up behind her table and hopefully dealing with a long line of customers ready to lay down their hard earned cash (or credit cards happily accepted) for a ball python to call their own.

Saner Half (aka Jim) has been breeding ball pythons for many years and it has become quite a family affair. Jim lovingly feeds, cleans, raises, breeds, incubates, hatches and sells the snakes while the rest of us reap the rewards :) It makes him happy, the snakes are beautiful and all jokes aside all of the kids enjoy the fact that he does it.

Here it is already noon and I have not done a thing around here. My plan was to wake up in time to watch Eastenders (9am), drink my Slim-Fast (no, it's not working) and then embark on a day filled with cleaning and dinner preparation. The problem with that plan is that is was made (as are many of my plans) very late last night while I was trying to go to sleep. Why is it that we have such grandiose ideas of how our next day will play out when we are lying in bed trying to sleep?

Shoes, turtlenecks, the scar on my neck and a red purse...

I hate to shop. There, I said it. I like to buy things and I like to have things but if I could push a fast forward button to get me through the actual shopping part, I would. As a result I buy as much as I can online. I know what some of you are thinking, "Buying clothes online, without trying them on? That's madness, pure madness!" And you would be correct in your thinking if not for one thing, finding a brand and sticking with it. Take me for example, for the most part I buy all of my clothes from Chico's or it's sister store Soma (which is a gross name for a store, I know) online. As a side note, Chico's recently acquired a store call White House/Black Market but they have different sizes and since they started to add khaki and denim to their line up I am somewhat reluctant to continue giving them my business. I mean, why call a store White House/Black Market and not just stick with the original idea of all things black and white??!! Anyway, I digress. My point is when I go to those sites I know exactly what size I wear so when it gets here I know it's going to fit. There are a few other reasons for shopping with the 1) their sizing..00, 0, 1, 1.5, 2 and so on up to 3.5 I believe. No where else on God's earth do I wear a 1.5 in pants and I'm not lying when I tell you it feels great! 2) You get coupons in catalogs, a gift certificate for your birthday and free shipping and 5% off when you are a "member" (go to their site if you need more information) and finally 3) Most of the time they will have a free gift box option which I always choose because then when it comes I feel like I'm opening a present!

Some things, however, are harder to buy online.

Shoes are one of those things. My mom and I went shoe shopping tonite and while I like the idea of having alot of shoes I loath the idea of buying said shoes. I went looking for brown and black flats and had an idea in my head of the perfect shoe ( my perfect shoe involved not only soft and supple leather but also had some sort of leopard pattern strategically placed) So, fast forward to the end result I did get a brown pair, a black pair and yes, one pair of leopard flats. I have held a special place in my heart for all things leopard print since I bought a pair of leopard boots in Nordstrom in 2005. I was told by the salesman that I had the only size 9 in these particular (and quite pricey) boots in town. Looking back he was probably lying to me but he got the sale and so I say "Well Done" to you, my Nordstrom shoe salesman, "Well done."

I am also not a real fan of buying purses. Again, like having them, just not that into buying them. I tend to have many black ones. I couple years ago I bought a pink Kate Spade bag and envisioned myself being known as "The girl with the pink purse." Great for one season but then I'm sure I was known as "That girl who keeps carrying that same damn pink Kate Spade purse. It's winter for God's sake, get a new bag!" So this year I am keeping my eyes out for a nice, big red purse. Yes, this fall/winter I will be known as the "The girl with the red purse." Which is better then being known as "The girl with the scar on her neck that looks like someone cut her throat." It is true, mes amies, sad but true. As a result of my recent surgery I am left with what could quite possibly be considered a "crime scene" or perhaps "injury sustained as a result of a heinous crime" is more appropriate. As I am apt to do I imagine my photo on some poor, tired police detective's desk ( I also imagine he is getting on in years and is quite close to retirement.) Every day he begins his shift knowing it will be full of problems with no answers, crimes that left victims demanding justice and a secretary who, for whatever reason, keeps forgetting that he HATES decaf and through it all the only constant in his otherwise unpredictable day will be my photo and the promise he made to me that he would find my attacker and justice would be served. You see why the red purse is quite an urgent need. "Draw the eyes away from the neck area, away" says Tim Gunn. After the original unveiling of what was previously a bandaged neck I was rather hysterical. My Saner Half was quick with all the right words " It's not that bad honey, really, it just needs to get some air ( yuk!), you'll see, by tomorrow it will look much better" and on he went as we made our way home, a place from which I felt sure I would be unable to leave for fear of the staring and pointing. As we got closer to home he said, and believe me when I tell you this because it is true, " You know, I wish I had a scar like that. I think it would be cool." !!!!!!! And to answer your question, yes, he said it with a straight and surprisingly earnest face. I thanked God for the fact that it was fall and decided to not leave the house unless one of two things were in place 1) a turtleneck, which as luck would have it I happen to own very nice ribbed, silk, sleeveless turtlenecks in a rainbow of colors courtesy Chico's or 2) a scarf, of which I have one. I would be known as "The girl who always wears a turtleneck or scarf" Not a nice thought considering that I would have to invest a considerable amount of money in scarves as they are quite dear and also because it reminded me of that old scary story about the woman who always wore a ribbon around her neck and then someone took it off and with it came her head. Turtlenecks it would have to be! I did that for about a week or so and then decided to venture to the grocery store in a V neck shirt. I did notice some staring but that was probably because I was walking around with my head tilted to the side in a feeble attempt to try to hide the scar. In the end, I made the very grown up decision to abandon all thoughts and attempts to hide it ( "Love me, love my scar" that will be my motto) and instead get a nice, big, red leather purse :)

My friends, I know that money is tight these days so I would like to share with you some things to keep in mind and possibly try. If your favorite store is having a sale or clearance and they have pants you want to have but the only sizes are too big, buy them anyway and take them to the dry cleaners for alterations. It most cases that will run about $20 for them to take in the waist and hem them for you. Also, I have been taking things to consignment shops. Even though any money you get is much less than what you originally paid you can put it towards something new. Like maybe a red purse?

And they're off!

Before we begin let me bore you rather quickly about me. I feel that it is only fair you know something about me before we start this journey together. I have been happily married for nearly 20 years and yet I am only 36 (soon to be 37 but more on that later) We have 3 teeneagers ages 19,17 and 14. Yes, I was a teen mother. Funny, teen mother to mother of teens, fate is a cruel, cruel mistress. I'm sure it would bring some much satisfaction to know that for all I put my own mother through I am being paid back ten fold, my friends. Okay, enough background, let us begin......

As a result of a car accident 3+ years ago I have been home from work for going on 5 weeks now (read: surgery required). Staying home from work for a extended period of time is one of those things that looks good on paper. Now, I know myself, and I know that once I go back to work I will long for these days of no alarm clocks or schedules but (and you will learn this in time) I feel a constant need to want what I don't have and so these days off have become insanely boring and monotonous.

One week before my surgery I went to my hair dresser, Lesley, so that I could start my convolesence with bright new highlights and a haircut that would not require too much of my time. After I left the salon I went ot work. I was greeted with "nice hair Dawn", "hair looks great, very classic" and more. Proud of my forward thinking and imagining myself lying in bed post-surgery with my books and magazines, my bright high-lights and my "classy" haircut I smiled, secretly thinking that I would look like a patient from a soap opera. You see, I constantly have 1 of 2 things on my mind. First, that there is a chance that I could be killed in the night and when the police came to to scene they would see dishes in the sink or some other mess and that is how they would refer to may case " You know, the one where both sinks were full and no one bothered to clean the litter box.." And secondly, that I could be "discovered" at anytime. Now, I don't mean the sane thought of "Oh, I might be discovered because I'm walking down 5th Avenue shopping in those smart shops and someone might ask me to be their spokesperson (although those thoughts do cross my mind but instead of 5th Ave it would be Generic Mall USA) I mean that I sometimes think that perhaps for some crazy and unable to explain reason I will be lying in bed (or on the sofa, or in the sunroom, you get the idea) and someone will come into the house and say "My God, you are perfect for this modeling job, TV show, movie etc. that I have been planning!" And so you can see why I was so proud of myself for taking steps to make sure that, even while in a haze of pain killers, I would be camera ready. Alas my friends, it was not to be. You see, the day I went to work and got all of those compliments my hair had been fixed by the talented Lesley and not by yours truely. The next day was quite different. "Dawn, your hair looks great!" was replaced by "What happened to your hair?" My hair is the bane of my existence. I try to let it do what it wants so as not to anger it but it has not worked thus far. I have quite a bit of wave which requires Herculean efforts to dry and straighten so that it isn't all sticky uppy all the time. I'm not sure what happens between my bathroom and my drive to work but it is not pretty. Honestly, all the drying and straightening, brushing and serum and hairspray and 25 minutes later it looks like I just woke up. I'm going to start taking my picture before I leave the house and I'll hold the days paper next to my face so that people can see the date and know that no, I didn't oversleep and run out the door with only time to change my clothes! Let me share with you a true story about how my hair has betrayed me...We went to Universal Studios this summer and one of the "rides" was a sort of thing where there is audience participation. They had us all huddled in a room and were asking for a child, a muscle man (to which my husband refused to raise his hand, he, does not, aspire to be "discovered) and the like. And then my friends it happened, they asked for 2 men and a woman. Let me preface the following by saying that we had the unfortunate luck of being in Fla during hurricane Flo and so consequently our trip to Universal was peppered with gale force winds and heavy rain. Weather be damned I rose my hand (actually jumped and waved like a fool) and was chosen!!! As I made my way up to the front of the crowd to at last take my spot on stage I remembered what happens to my hair in the humidity above 5% not to mention hurricane conditions. No matter, I thought, there will be make-up and hair styling involved. Why I thought there would be time for all of this on a "ride" that lasted all of 15 min is beyond even me. We all went into another room and the audience took their seats and we "actors" were given our places on the stage and then instructions as to what we were to do and when. After we all played our assigned roles we were permitted to reunite with our families and proceed to the next leg of the "ride" which was to sit in a subway car and watch our "movie" on small televisons throughout the car. The kids said I did great but I was unable to focus on anything other than how fecking bad my hair looked!

I hope your fall has had a great beginning and that even in these budget crunchy times you have been able to treat yourself to something new for the season.