Free Tanning, Free Haircuts and Wal-Mart..

Mallory recently got a new job working at the salon where we all get our hair done. Now aside from her pay she gets free unlimited tanning, free hair cuts and only has to pay something like $10 for color. HELLO? Where do I sign up? Now in the first place, Mallory doesn't tan. Not in a bed, not outside, not in a train, not in a plane. She has beautiful porcelain skin. Me, on the other hand, when not tan look like death. There's really no nice way to put it. Prior to my disfigurement I lived in tanning beds unless it was summer and then I would be out in the sun. Skin cancer be damned. Something's going to kill me and when I die I would like to be as tan as possible Actually, Mallory has instructions to wheel me into a spray tan upon my demise. Point is this perk is totally wasted on her. As for the cuts and color, she recently got highlights and looks great so at least that part is not going to waste. Color me green, my friends, which is, of course, better then deathly pale.

As for Wal-Mart. I watched a documentary last night on this retail giant and let me tell you I am besides myself. The way they treat their "associates" is a crime. They have actually lost some class action lawsuits brought upon by former employees to the tune of $150 million. We don't have a Wal-Mart in my county and I can actually say that I have not been in one for probably 8 years but if the occasion should arise I am here to tell you that I would NEVER step inside one again. Those "low prices" are at the expense of their employees. And really, how low are their prices? Are they lower than K-Mart or drugstore chains? I honestly don't know but I know that if you pay attention to sales at other stores I'm sure you can come very close to matching their price. If you have time I would recomend that you either watch the documentary or maybe do a Google search for more information and make your own decison. It's amazing that in the year 2008 we still have these companies who disregard basic employee rights. Let me just tell you that this company has been sited for not paying overtime, having people work off of the clock, directing new hires to social services programs because they don't pay a living wage and many more infractions. Aside from taking away the pride people feel in working and being able to support their family, Wal-Mart is advising employees to sign up for the dole. As a result, Wal-Mart employees have cost the Untited States over $1.5 billion in federal and state subsidised programs. Incredible when you consider that last year they had sales in excess of $240 BILLION!!! I am in no way blaming Wal-Mart employees, to the contrary, I think we should hold a company accountable when they are not only the cause of a financial drain on our society, in most cases they receive tax incentives and other "favors" to build their stores. When you are armed with all of this information that $2 shirt doesn't seem so cheap does it?

Murder, A Clean House and Cookies..

What a productive day it has been! I cleaned the house, watched Halloween (again) and Halloween 4, did laundry AND baked oodles of cookies. My house is now in the perfect state for my murder. As you know I am apt to think like this but really if it must happen, let it be at a time when everything is in it's place and there are fresh cookies to boot. I imagine the officers here remarking on my clean house and how delicious the cookies are as they comb for clues. "What kind of monster would do this?" they will say. "She obviously kept a clean house and these cookies are to die for, ha ha ha. " They will joke like that since it is the only way they can keep their sanity. They will leave with the promise to bring justice to my loved ones. After they're home they might talk about it to their wives and after hearing about how clean my house was and that I made cookies they will resolve to be a better wife. "If she could do it, so will I" they will vow. My death will bring many people closer together. It's the least I can do.

At my funeral, which will have police escorts (I already asked, OK begged, and the Sheriff's Office said I could) people will talk about the senseless of it all. I hope the turnout is a good one. There is nothing sadder than a funeral with a poor turnout. I like to think that I will be looking down at all assembled. I'll wonder who that one is or why that one's there. And I'll wish I'd been nicer to some that took the time to come out in this weather (it will be raining, of course) I'm sure some will not be in attendance but I will not be mad at them because they will regret it for the rest of their days and so there's really no point. In the end everyone will get their "give-aways" (aka t-shirts) and will feel that while it will be hard to go on without me, they must, because that's how I would have wanted it.

I think that we should be as nice as we can to people we encounter for two reasons. First, they may know someone who could make you famous and second, you want your funeral list to be as long as you can get it. I'm starting with that thought in mind tomorrow. Sometimes it will be hard but I will keep on keeping on and if they are just too much I will be nasty because after all, who wants someone like that at their funeral?

Saturdays, Scary Movies and The Brady Bunch..

I love, love, love Saturday mornings when I don't have to work. I get up and watch 2 episodes of Eastenders, drink my Slim-Fast and start my day in a relaxing way. For those that don't know, Eastenders is a British soap opera that comes on PBS in Maryland on Saturday mornings from 9-10. Right now they are still running 2002 episodes since they get it over there every day and we only get it once a week. I looked and looked to buy it on DVD but it is not available. At first I was surprised but when I realized you can't buy any of our American soap operas on DVD I didn't feel so bad. Anyway, I watch the show then I slowing start picking up around here but I'm never in a hurry and it makes for a nice day.

I've been drinking Slim-Fast for quite a few years now and I guess it's not working because I'm not working it. Kind of like Alcoholic Anonymous- "It works if you work it." You see, I drink it in the mornings and then I live my life. I eat what I want, as often as I want and so I guess that's why I haven't been able to watch the pounds drop away. It's hard to know nowadays what you should or shouldn't eat. It was easier back when we just worried about calories. Then it used to be fat but now it's trans-fats or saturated fats. Bread and rice used to be good but now it's bad unless it's brown. We're not supposed to eat anything white. Maybe I will go on the brown diet. I will eat only brown foods brown rice, brown bread, peanut butter, chocolate, Slim-Fast and the like.

I watched "Halloween" last night. That is my favorite scary movie of all time and I was so glad to see it on TV. It doesn't seem like Halloween without watching it at least once. A few years ago Rob Zombie did a remake. I was so excited and Jim took me to see it. The problem is that I get my hopes up about things and I am inevitably let down. I was so disappointed in the movie. Jim wasn't and he said it was because I have unrealistic expectations. Maybe I do.

I am besides myself my friends, absolutely besides myself over Maureen McCormick's (aka Marcia Brady) new book. I refuse to read it as it seems like a nasty tell-all about one of my favorite shows. Who didn't love The Brady Bunch? They were the perfect family and I am not at all interested it horrible Maureen McCormick talking about sleeping with "Greg Brady." For a long time she didn't even want anything to do with the show or it's cast but now we are supposed to pay our hard to come by money on a gossipy book that I'm sure is quite exaggerated. No thank you Marcia, I will pass.

On to other things. The Halloween costume is shaping up nicely, my hair is actually doing well and it saddens me to report that my big, red purse still eludes me.

I Started Young..

I was going through some things today and I found a book that was a 5th grade assignment. Mrs. Brown (my teacher) had us write a story and then had it bound for us. As a read through my book it is evident to me (as I'm sure it will be to you) that my "gift" goes back to at least the 5th grade. I must tell you before I proceed that it clearly states in the front cover that "this book cannot be written over without aurtors permission, copywrite date 1982" (all misspellings were left in place so you could get the full effect) so please don't try to reproduce what I'm sure, will one day become a classic. I should also tell you that starting at around the 4th grade I became very fond of poetry, especially "couplets." And now I give you:

WHAT IS PURPLE?

BY

DAWN GOSNELL (maiden name)

PURPLE IS THE PAINT TO PUT ON A WALL

PURPLE IS THE BRUISE THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FALL

PURPLE IS THE JAM TO PUT ON MY BREAD

PURPLE IS THE HAT TO PUT ON MY HEAD

PURPLE IS THE CRAB THAT SOMETIMES PINCHES ME

PURPLE IS THE GLASSES THAT CAN HELP YOU SEE

PURPLE IS THE BARRETTE WE PUT IN OUR HAIR

PURPLE IS THE VISOR TO KNOCK OFF THE GLARE

I know my friends, I know, pure genius. In the "About the Author" I go on the say that I enjoy reading, bike riding, fishing and camping. Partly true. The fishing and camping part, not so much. As with many things (drinking coffee, eating oatmeal on a cold morning, etc.) I like the idea of fishing and camping just not the act itself. Although I do have a funny fishing story that involves me and Jim on a falling apart boat in the Dominican Republic because I had wanted to catch a Marlin. Anyway, I guess I was trying to make myself sound well rounded. After writing this the question remains. Why didn't my mother enroll me in the School for the Arts?? The world may never know.

I have attached the photo from the back of my book. I'm not sure if it is clear enough but I was very stylish. I had a turtle neck (preview of things to come?) with stars all over it as well as ribbon barrettes in my hair. Those who grew up in the 80's remember those barrettes, I'm sure.

People's Court, Cell Phones and Dog Bites..

I just got finished watching People's Court. I LOVE that show and I love Judge Milian. I love it so much that I have toyed with idea of putting someone with bad credit on my cell phone bill so that I could sue them on National TV. Maybe I could entice my dog to bite someone and then refuse to pay any damages so that I could be the Defendant. In either case I can only hope that my opponent has very poor grammar and if she's a woman she has stuffed herself in something not only inappropriate (it is a court of law) but also two or three sizes too small. If it's a man chances are there will be some unidentifiable stain on his tie. I will say that I felt bad for the Defendant's inability to obtain said cell phone and Judge Milian will show me the errors of my ways by telling me some Cuban saying that her grandmother used to say and it will be in Spanish! If my worthy opponent has been the victim of my vicious dog I will explain that my dog was provoked and I think the Plaintiff has made up the entire scenario. I will, of course, be responsible for any and all hospital bills and possibly a small sum for pain and suffering but as for his "lost wages?" I don't think so buddy. You don't bring the proof, you can't be reimbursed.

Locks, Keys and Ice Cream..

I had to stop at the supermarket after work tonite to get milk and since I never get just milk I also got two half gallons of ice cream and some TGIF frozen crap (artichoke dip, potato skins, etc.), Yes, we do eat healthy, I know. Anyway I came home only to find that my wonderful husband was apparently in such a hurry to go to work early that I was locked out. I should preface all of this by saying that I forgot to charge my phone so my battery was very low and seemed to be using what energy it had left to beep every few seconds or so to let me know it was dying. Anyway, once I realized my situation I had to put down 2 gallons of milk and my other bags to knock on my own door. Buddy was doing his job by barking loudly and sounding ferocious but his barks went unheard to the kids who, for once, decided to go to bed at a reasonable time. Now, we pay each month for our kids to have phones but don't think for a second that they wait for us to need to urgently reach them. That is reserved for their friends in crisis. I called Mallory and got to hear "The Joker" by Steve Miller a few times before I realized that as much as I like that song my battery was dying and she was obviously asleep. Next up, Daniel, who provides his callers with some unnamed rap song, he too was asleep. Now, earlier Em had told me she wasn't feeling well so I hated to call her but in the end she was my savior. No music just a ring then a sweet "Hi Mama" and I was in. And for that, if she still doesn't feel well in the morning, she can stay home and eat ice cream, drink milk and eat various TGIF selections.

PS- I texted Jim to let him know that he locked me out. His response? "Where are your keys?" Well, wherever they are they aren't with me so I don't see why that is pertinent. Do you?

Baltimore Hons, My Wonderful Husband and John Waters..

OK, change of plans for Halloween. Instead of doing the Wilma Flintstone/Betty Rubble thing Tina, Hope (our supervisor) and I are going to be "Baltimore Hons." If you're not from the area a "hon" is a true Baltimore woman. They have bee-hive hair-dos, wear blue eyeshadow, spandex and hopefully (and of course in my case) anything leopard. Sometimes they could wear a house coat or robe and fuzzy slippers. Some are also fond of feather boas. I will be posting pictures after the party so you can see. I'm not sure if you can appreciate it if you're not from Baltimore. They have "hon" contests and it's kind of a big deal in town. Anyway I'm excited, although twice this Halloween season I have been told that I can just go to my closet instead of buying a costume. Once when Jim told me that if I were a whore and now when Tina approached me with the idea. Hmmmm, are people trying to tell me something? Whatever, I have a tight low cut leopard shirt that will fit the bill perfectly.

Things at work are going well. I haven't missed a beat even though I was out for what seemed like forever. The disfiguring scar is still disfiguring and I guess any hope of gracing the cover of anything other than "Scar Weekly" or "Oh My God What Happened" is now out of the question. C'est la vive. Yes, I am a speaker of many languages, it is a gift, I know.

As for my wonderful husband. He sent me a text this evening at work that said "I think you dress nice xo" Wasn't that the most wonderful? I'm glad he notices (and doesn't fuss about what things cost) I feel very lucky.

I still haven't been discovered but you will be the first to know when (notice I say when and not if) it happens. Believe me when I tell you mes amies (more French for you) that it is not for lack of trying. I used to work in a bakery in Baltimore and the wonderful and famous film maker John Waters used to come in. Every time he did I would sing while I got his baked goods and ask didn't he have a role for a singing bakery clerk. He never answered, just smiled. Maybe if I would have danced it would have sealed the deal. I guess we will never know. If only my mother would have allowed me to go to the School for the Performing Arts. I always pictured myself fitting in nicely with the cast of "Fame" but again, it was not to be. Full steam ahead and soon you will be reading about me and people will be saying things like "Look how great her hair looks" (because I will have a hair dresser living with me), and "There she is with her signature red purse" (no, I still haven't found one, the search continues.) And you will say "I knew her when."